I've forgotten this feeling. Wait, wait no, that isn't true. You never forget something so glorious as this! Ah, the sensation of vomit streaming from your nostrils. I live with two other people in a 2LK, and one of my flatmates decided to throw a sort of tasting party. The other flatmate and myself were absolutely horrified, though for entirely different reasons. For her part it was because people here just dont DO those sorts of things; people dont come over for parties, let alone hoards of them for a tasting of cheeses and wines and olives (all exceedingly pricey in these parts). Uh-uh, no way sir. It is more common for people to meet elsewhere, as our apartment is rather cramped as is.
For my own part, this was a true test of my will to improve.

As my introduction might suggest, I failed miserably. I tested the different goods, appreciated the complexities of the wines an so on, but as time wore on I found my self increasingly panicked. But there was more than just the blind fear that comes with ingesting so much... -stuff-. Moving alongside it was an overwhelming want for the feeling of the food passing back up through my throat on its way to my little corner toilet. The feeling of success an accomplishment I associate with that feeling is so strong words can do it no justice. But Im sure many of you know just how good that feels. Like, "Yes, I'm doing something right." Often times im not hungry, but I want the feeling of something passing along the muscles of my throat. And so throwing it right back up again.. well! Thats just more bang for your buck!

But noriko, the other flatmate who wasnt pleased with the little shindig, was soaking in the tub. I needed to throw up right then, and did not have the clarity of thought to even consider going outside, so I told her I felt sick and that I thought it was best to just sort of help it along.

So I threw up with her sitting but a few inches from me.

This gives me a sense of security. As if I am conditioning her via foot-in-the-door phenomenon.

I think i will make a habit of this: Please, tell me something you did today. Whatever it may be, something happy, something scary, something risky.

I can't.. I just don't know how I am feeling today, right now, these days. I am still running on the greedy high of being let loose from treatment, vindictive and annoyed, ploughing through my workouts and my watery soups. I'm taking Evening Primrose Oil, though I was nearly deterred by the mention of oil. The thought of something so slick and greasy running down my throat, coating it in a shiny film is so so so repulsive. But they come with their charming little capsule shapes, so pretty when you look through them.
My first and last day at partial was far more stressful than I had planned for. I didn't bother with the stupid packed lunch that they instructed me to bring, which made my case manager give me a horrible impatient look. As if I was wasting her time.
I don't think I really want to talk about partial anymore. I told them to leave me be and not contact me again. We will see how that progresses.

I am still amazed at how this community appears to be one living, breathing, shifting animal. The posts go in trends, be it mention of purging until there is blood, being released from treatment, or trying to 'eat normally' for a bit. I think now that part of it is that once someone posts about something you are unsure of, you feel more comfortable in posting on that subject yourself. The other part of it is that perhaps some read the posts about blood in the vomit or a stint in inpatient, and learn from it. They then take this information and throw in a few personal details, constructing their own tale of hardships that never took place.
I'm not so bothered by this. That in its own is indicative of some sort of deep seated problem, an insecurity of a sense of insufficiency.

This is perhaps one of my most long winded posts to date.

Maybe a summary is better: I feel like wild eyed animal held in a cage too small, in patient was indeed not my cup of tea, proanorexia is a living organism with trends and flows, some feel the need to formulate a more distinct problem when they cant quite figure out what the real culprit of their feelings is.

Also, those who scream the loudest, who protest the most, have the most to hide.

Just got released from inpatient.
Thank god. I did not enjoy my time there, I did not benefit from it.
The endless talk of shit and bowel movement schedules was good fun for a while
but roommate drama... and the meals.. THE FUCKING MEALS.. I'm done with it.
Done.


I did learn a few things though. How to be sneakier, how to purge quick like a bunny rabbit.
you learn how to keep secrets better, to hide things better.

Jolly fucking good, y'all.

I'm just so excited to get to the gym.
No limiting my movements.
"Hey! stop jumping around, you are over exerting yourself!"
Wont have to hear that again.

AHH. I have had a majour revelation. Thusly..

I deleted alllll my posts. I needed to, really. It made me uncomfortable.. some of the things I said.

Much was stupid. But now is different, right? Okay.

LETS GO.

If I deleted you as a friend, i apologizeeeee. I will get around to re-adding people.